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November 26, 2012
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there are so many things
i've been tangled lines lately, trying to rework myself but i can't seem
to find the right strings to pull
maybe i am just pulling too much

---

have you ever noticed
how much i really don't
give a fuck about sex
and that's all everyone
wants to talk about

show me something else
other than your simply
wired dick that i can easily
unhem with my fingers

---

some mornings i wake up
wanting to draw lines
a sickness in my hands
and mouth.

they are everywhere, really
ones that break and bend and conform

and i watch the lines
in a woman's hip,
the break of a boy's lips

the press of two lines
impending, isostasy
in midnight

---

i feel so lousy
for not showing you
who i am.

if i could break
my skull and release
my phantoms and
colors

i would.

but i sit at a desk
or a keyboard or
a canvas and nothing leaves,

my voice is silent and
i am unreachable.

unconscious even
most of the time.

i want to create something
but i don't have the patience
lately to sit down and
extract it

---

i hate that i am putting everything off
i hate that i am ignoring everyone
i hate that my grandmother is dying and
is handing out the things she can't take
to her grave like pendants and earrings
and bracelets and photos and i
couldn't fucking go to visit her
the other day,

i stayed here in my bed and i refused to
leave and i just cried like a fucking bastard,
pitiful shit. and i thought maybe someone
would stop me from being who i was meant to
be but no one did.
---

i just want to leave, you know?
but not far. far enough
for you to extend your hand and say,
come back.

but i won't.
i never come back for the right reasons.
i never come back for the right person.

---

i will do better

---

there was a journal i read the other day
and i can't help but to agree with it

---

do you ever have those moments
of whiplash
realization:

i am not who i thought i was.

no one knows you more than you
and yet you feel as though
you may not no yourself in
all aspects at all

---

i've almost finished my novel but it will not be done by november.
i had hoped i could pull through, doing 1,000 or so words a day
but i couldn't.

i am lying. i could have.
but most of the days in november i
couldn't pull myself from my bed
or i had things to do or things i forgot
to do

or just really wanted to watch some
game of thrones.

but december is not a bad month for writing
especially since i will have [more] free time
i use that word delicately

---

i like that word, delicate
it feels like sugar when i say it
or icing

but i hate those things, i hate the way they tingle
my tongue

---

my poetry teacher told me i read aloud well.
i'm not sure
if that is an accomplishment i want to celebrate

---

i wish my life was categorized in files,
and i could pull out the moments that
keep me from sleeping at night and catch
my breath with fear in the morning.

i wake up and think, it never happened
but it did and i feel so sick

i want to burn it. all of it
stomp on the flames and sing some
iroquois shit unheard of

and wake up and think, later
that never happened,
and have it be true

---

i want to write so bad
i'll do that
and i will stop ignoring everyone

up, up, up
Add a Comment:
 
:iconunborn-flower:
unborn-flower Featured By Owner Mar 14, 2013
i can relate to you. i really can. *hugs*
Reply
:iconkaitforest:
KaitForest Featured By Owner Mar 14, 2013   Writer
<3
Reply
:iconunspecifiedunknown:
UnspecifiedUnknown Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2012   Writer
you'll be okay
Reply
:iconkaitforest:
KaitForest Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2012   Writer
:hug:
Reply
:iconcaptivationrequired:
CaptivationRequired Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2012  Student Filmographer
You do not owe anyone enough to give them who you really are. As they say in folk lore, if someone has your true name they have power over you and can manipulate you to do their will. Rejoice that you not spread like butter on the internet.

"And this too shall pass" the anguish, the hate, the lousy periods. It always does.
Reply
:iconkaitforest:
KaitForest Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2012   Writer
you're so right love, thank you. i hadn't thought about the leverage those hold that do know me. gah
<3
Reply
:iconcaptivationrequired:
CaptivationRequired Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2012  Student Filmographer
Knowledge has its ups and its down. It's nice to be known, to have people that understand and sympathise. It's not nice to have someone slander you and spread your information all over the place.

So chin up. You are welcome.
Reply
:iconmondays-emblem:
mondays-emblem Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012
Beautiful. And greatly relatable. :hug:
Reply
:iconkaitforest:
KaitForest Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2012   Writer
:tighthug:
Reply
:iconhfeather53:
Hfeather53 Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
i have my times like this as well...

writing will make you feel better...

it's better to get it out than hold it in... or ignoring it... or acting like a trash compactor... :hug:
Reply
:iconkaitforest:
KaitForest Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012   Writer
it truly does <3
Reply
:iconhfeather53:
Hfeather53 Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
<3 feel better beautiful lady
Reply
:iconconsolecadet:
consolecadet Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012
Hugs for you. And an open ear if you want it.
Reply
:iconkaitforest:
KaitForest Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012   Writer
:hug: thank you lovely <3
Reply
:iconohsparrowsong:
ohsparrowsong Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012
this is just lovely.
so so lovely.

i think i need to spew something like this out.
too many thoughts
and whatever part of me
is responsible for sorting them into
sentences and phrases
and legible words
is ignoring me
telling me
nope.
no words
try again later
maybe.
Reply
:iconkaitforest:
KaitForest Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012   Writer
exactly my problem <3
you should. it is relieving to just throw things out that are stuck in your head with no order and not giving a fuck what it turns out like. haha
Reply
:iconcherishkay:
CherishKay Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
:huggle::huggle::huggle::huggle::huggle::huggle::huggle::huggle::huggle::huggle::huggle::huggle::huggle::huggle::huggle:

I wish I could help in some way...*sigh*
Reply
:iconkaitforest:
KaitForest Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012   Writer
no help needed, just some thoughts:)
Reply
:iconcherishkay:
CherishKay Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I think you should celebrate/ or be proud that you read aloud well....I wish I was good at that. (Me: stumbles and falls all over words with her tongue and breath with usually a small voice)

you describe delicate so wonderfully, I agree it's a very lovely sweet word.

congrats on almost finishing your novel!!! :clap:

Major love hugs for grandmother...your love is with her :tighthug: :'(

"i feel so lousy
for not showing you
who i am.

if i could break
my skull and release
my phantoms and
colors

i would.

but i sit at a desk
or a keyboard or
a canvas and nothing leaves,

my voice is silent and
i am unreachable.

unconscious even
most of the time.

i want to create something
but i don't have the patience
lately to sit down and
extract it"
<-----crazy relate!

and the more people talk about sex, the more I get disgusted by human beings.........

(I'm horrible at sharing thoughts :ashamed: )
Reply
:iconkaitforest:
KaitForest Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2012   Writer
thank you love, for your entire response. (not terrible at all! <3)
i do too! and that is all everyone wants to talk about lately,
it feels like a sign of some sort, as if saying
"you're asexual and and weird for not wanting to talk about it/do it all the time"

:/
Reply
:iconcherishkay:
CherishKay Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I know, so many people are more animalistic now a days...

it's even more so unsettling when your still virgin... actually, some people think of it as impressive and sad at the same time... until you reach around age 28, than people think it's just sad.
Reply
:iconthephantasmknight:
ThePhantasmKnight Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012
<3 -hug-
Reply
:iconkaitforest:
KaitForest Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012   Writer
:iconglompplz:
Reply
:iconthephantasmknight:
ThePhantasmKnight Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012
:cuddle: (i think we should do that a lot. :P You seem like you need it. o.o)
Reply
:iconkaitforest:
KaitForest Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2012   Writer
:icontardhugplz:
i think you do too!
Reply
:iconthephantasmknight:
ThePhantasmKnight Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2012
Hahaha, I would love that hug! =D IT WOULD BE AWESOME! warm kait energy. mmm
Reply
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