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Submitted on
November 26, 2012
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there are so many things
i've been tangled lines lately, trying to rework myself but i can't seem
to find the right strings to pull
maybe i am just pulling too much

---

have you ever noticed
how much i really don't
give a fuck about sex
and that's all everyone
wants to talk about

show me something else
other than your simply
wired dick that i can easily
unhem with my fingers

---

some mornings i wake up
wanting to draw lines
a sickness in my hands
and mouth.

they are everywhere, really
ones that break and bend and conform

and i watch the lines
in a woman's hip,
the break of a boy's lips

the press of two lines
impending, isostasy
in midnight

---

i feel so lousy
for not showing you
who i am.

if i could break
my skull and release
my phantoms and
colors

i would.

but i sit at a desk
or a keyboard or
a canvas and nothing leaves,

my voice is silent and
i am unreachable.

unconscious even
most of the time.

i want to create something
but i don't have the patience
lately to sit down and
extract it

---

i hate that i am putting everything off
i hate that i am ignoring everyone
i hate that my grandmother is dying and
is handing out the things she can't take
to her grave like pendants and earrings
and bracelets and photos and i
couldn't fucking go to visit her
the other day,

i stayed here in my bed and i refused to
leave and i just cried like a fucking bastard,
pitiful shit. and i thought maybe someone
would stop me from being who i was meant to
be but no one did.
---

i just want to leave, you know?
but not far. far enough
for you to extend your hand and say,
come back.

but i won't.
i never come back for the right reasons.
i never come back for the right person.

---

i will do better

---

there was a journal i read the other day
and i can't help but to agree with it

---

do you ever have those moments
of whiplash
realization:

i am not who i thought i was.

no one knows you more than you
and yet you feel as though
you may not no yourself in
all aspects at all

---

i've almost finished my novel but it will not be done by november.
i had hoped i could pull through, doing 1,000 or so words a day
but i couldn't.

i am lying. i could have.
but most of the days in november i
couldn't pull myself from my bed
or i had things to do or things i forgot
to do

or just really wanted to watch some
game of thrones.

but december is not a bad month for writing
especially since i will have [more] free time
i use that word delicately

---

i like that word, delicate
it feels like sugar when i say it
or icing

but i hate those things, i hate the way they tingle
my tongue

---

my poetry teacher told me i read aloud well.
i'm not sure
if that is an accomplishment i want to celebrate

---

i wish my life was categorized in files,
and i could pull out the moments that
keep me from sleeping at night and catch
my breath with fear in the morning.

i wake up and think, it never happened
but it did and i feel so sick

i want to burn it. all of it
stomp on the flames and sing some
iroquois shit unheard of

and wake up and think, later
that never happened,
and have it be true

---

i want to write so bad
i'll do that
and i will stop ignoring everyone

up, up, up
Add a Comment:
 
:iconunborn-flower:
unborn-flower Featured By Owner Mar 14, 2013
i can relate to you. i really can. *hugs*
Reply
:iconkaitforest:
KaitForest Featured By Owner Mar 14, 2013   Writer
<3
Reply
:iconunspecifiedunknown:
UnspecifiedUnknown Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2012   Writer
you'll be okay
Reply
:iconkaitforest:
KaitForest Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2012   Writer
:hug:
Reply
:iconcaptivationrequired:
CaptivationRequired Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2012  Student Filmographer
You do not owe anyone enough to give them who you really are. As they say in folk lore, if someone has your true name they have power over you and can manipulate you to do their will. Rejoice that you not spread like butter on the internet.

"And this too shall pass" the anguish, the hate, the lousy periods. It always does.
Reply
:iconkaitforest:
KaitForest Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2012   Writer
you're so right love, thank you. i hadn't thought about the leverage those hold that do know me. gah
<3
Reply
:iconcaptivationrequired:
CaptivationRequired Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2012  Student Filmographer
Knowledge has its ups and its down. It's nice to be known, to have people that understand and sympathise. It's not nice to have someone slander you and spread your information all over the place.

So chin up. You are welcome.
Reply
:iconmondays-emblem:
mondays-emblem Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012
Beautiful. And greatly relatable. :hug:
Reply
:iconkaitforest:
KaitForest Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2012   Writer
:tighthug:
Reply
:iconhfeather53:
Hfeather53 Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
i have my times like this as well...

writing will make you feel better...

it's better to get it out than hold it in... or ignoring it... or acting like a trash compactor... :hug:
Reply
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